I Would Think Anyone Would Know

CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL!!!!!!! PERHAPS THIS ISN'T PROPER TO DISCUSS

In this day and time, I would think most anyone would know the location of a vagina and that you don't use it for urinating. However, last night I was asked to tell someone that a vagina was not located in a specified spot (approximately a third of the way between the belly button and the actual location, but more toward the belly button) that was being pointed to. I can see how that location might be handy for sex, but how in the world could a woman pee from her vagina (well that's a question in itself) if it were there? Good gracious, what would it be like to be in a very crowded place like an elevator with people brushing against your vagina or the greeters at Walmart giving you a grocery cart right at your vagina? However it would be less of a problem to go to the Dr. Judi Favor. What would you have to do on your birthday, turn a pad into a surgical dressing?

I can't believe that any college student has not seen that part of the anatomy in a textbook, encyclopedia, or at least the suspected site on a scantily dressed woman on TV. As common as childbirth is on TV, I would have thought he would have seen enough to figure out more than that.

Well, Jay is no longer ignorant. I suggested the World Book, but when no appropriate reference was found, he instead learned from a personal tutor. His girlfriend sat him down and said any 22 year old should know where a vagina is. I guess he might be a virgin, do you think? I think that part is really good though. I heard her saying something that made me think she was doing a drawing. Sure enough, she had a paper and his face, well his whole head and neck, was as red as a beet. I kept hearing her say, "No, Jay, no, I can't believe you don't know this and he kept saying "Well, I can't help it, I haven't had any way of knowing it." He was especially shocked that a woman didn't pee out out of her vagina. With three (not two as he thought) distinct circles drawn and explained, he became quite educated. Now he knows the proper location I assume, unless he is a very slow learner. The tutor might should have used a doll as she explained. The whole lesson needed to be taped, or at least an audio of it. I couldn't hear it all, but what I could hear while I was doing the dishes was so funny. He kept saying that he believed he would have been able to figure it out on a naked woman. She said, "Well, maybe so, but I know when I get married, I don't want my husband under the cover with a flashlight trying to figure it out." I'm not sure he ever figured out exactly how it would all line up, but maybe he will one day have a wife that will patiently explain that part to him. This tutor was only interested in him knowing the physical location of this part of a woman's anatomy. I am thankful that she would never have thought of having show and tell as a teaching method.

I told her that if they ever broke up, at least he would walk away having learned one thing from the relationship - where a vagina is.

One night I had overheard a discussion about how society seemed to think it was fine for a woman to be exposed on TV, but not a man. I heard Jay say, but vagina equals penis and it would not be ok for a naked man because his penis would be seen. I still haven't figured out how he thought a woman could have been shown in a full view without her vagina showing according to where he thought it was.

I hope nobody has read this without some good laughs, and I really hope it doesn't offend anyone, but I'm not sure my older daughter has any friends that would think this is offensive. If so, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be ugly.

I said I wanted to put this story on my blog and she said go ahead. I hope she meant it.

I promote virginity except in commode plungers!

I Need Lots of Help in Lots of Ways - At home and with blogging, but not with determining virginity.

Mammy's Boring Life

I had a post almost finished and needed to do something for Steve. I hit Save as Draft and I don't know where it is or how to find it. It is so good, I'll have to do it again.

It was named something like: A New Secret Weapon: The Commode Plunger

I had to use the commode plunger and I think they are really nasty, but I had no idea that other people were actually afraid of them like I would be of a snake.

After I used the commode plunger, I cleaned it with cleaner in
the toilet and then double bagged it to dry. After it dried, I double bagged it again and tied the bags. Because of my bad knees, I set stuff at the bottom of the stairs to take upstairs when I am going for another reason. I hadn't made it up yet, and I told Angela that I bet that would be a secret weapon we could use on a certain person, I'll say Jay. Jay overheard us talking and came to see what we were talking and laughing about. Little did we know that our laughs were going to new heights. Jay said what are you talking about and looked over our shoulders at the mystery bag. He said is that what I think it is? I said "I don't know, what do you think it is?" Hesitating and looking very strange, he said is that a commode plunger?
I said yes and he took off running like a copperhead or rattlesnake was after him. Angela and I were dying and he came back part of the way and started saying over and over "I hope it's a virgin. Tell me it's a virgin... Angela get away from that thing. It radiates. Get away from it. Get away, Angela." By that time he was sweating and I guess having a panic attack. I guess we were mean because we were laughing our heads off.

So now all of you know the truth my commode plunger is not a virgin, but not a slut either because I keep it as clean as a plunger can be. However I am not going to throw it out when it looses its virginity. Mine lost its virginity so long ago, it's not so stiff and much easier to handle.

I think I may need to start using the commode plunger quite frequently. Our downstairs commode is going to be stopping up just about every night. Susan, maybe you are smart enough that we can fix up a timer so that every time a visitor comes to our giraffe hut, it will start ticking. After a certain amount of time, a commode plunger will drop from a trap door in the ceiling right in front of the couch. Do you think that will work?

By the way, Jay had already told us about the toilet overflowing and how he jumped in the shower. When we asked if he did anything to stop the commode, he said he turned the water to it off before he jumped in the shower. He said it was just awful, it was terrible, etc. He said he thought a commode overflowing was worse than anything except death or a bad sickness.

Steve and I went to his back surgeon today. He said everything looked good. PTL

I took Granny a box of stuff that was still packed up from her old house yesterday. She was very happy when she found her perfume. She was spraying it all over her. I accused her of smelling like a whore, and she thought that was really funny. But then she found her douche deal and got upset with me. She said I had to go back up there to the old house and look in the corner of the bathroom and there I would find her little tiny tip for an enema.

Even though burglers have stolen her kitchen appliances, etc. I really doubt that they could get much for an enema tip, but maybe I should check Ebay. If anyone notices it being for sale, please notify me immediately at 256-764-8851.

By the way Purity received enough money to stay in school. I wished it could have been from some rich woman, but God didn't provide one of them. Nevertheless He provided, and she was very happy and excited. Her GPA is a little over 3.4 so I think she is doing well.

Love all of you. Try to stay busy doing lots of things of real value.

A New Secret Weapon: A Commode Plunger

[Here's the draft she lost. -The Jones Family Blogging Consultant]

Mammy's Boring Life

Yes, it's true with a certain person that has become part of my life, and no it's not my secret lover.

I had to get the commode plunger out a few days ago. I think they are really nasty, but to my surprise I have found someone that really looks upon it as I would a snake.

After I used the plunger, I cleaned it with toilet bowl cleaner and put it in two plastic bags. When it dried, I put it in a paper sack and a clean garbage bag and tied it up. It stays in a cabinet by itself upstairs, but I had set it at the bottom of the stairs until my next trip up - got bad knees.

An Unusual Request

I am not sure that I can get by with telling this, but I'll give it a try. I'll not use names to protect the innocent or the naive or both. This man with which I have become acquainted came in to my kitchen a few nights ago and was following me from the kitchen to the dining room, back and forth as I was trying to clear up all of the dirty dishes. His first comment was a loud "Hit me in the groin." Immediatley I said "What?" and he repeated his request repeatedly. Finally I said "Go in there and let Steve do it." He replied "OK then, if you're not going to do it, I'll do it to myself." I just sort of started trying not to look at him very much. But I did glance out of the corner of my eye to notice that he had doubled up his fist and hit himself pretty hard, much harder than I would have ever had courage to do. At that moment we were in the dining room. (At some point right before the attack, he had told me that he was wearing a cup to protect himself.) As soon as he had hit himself, he said "Hey, that still sort of hurt a little bit." By the time he had followed me back into the kitchen, he was doubled over in pain. I'm pretty ignorant about cups, but I wonder if he needed a larger cup size. Maybe Oprah needs to do a segment for men about measuring correctly for a cup size.

The next morning, I thought someone had left a Walmart sack of trash close to the door. However inside of it, I found what I would guess was a "cup". He had told me that he was going to start wearing a cup for protection all of the time, but obviously he must have changed his mind. I didn't examine it, but I would guess that a cup would be even more uncomfortable than a huge extra absorbent Kotex from the old days. The way he doubled over maybe a Kotex would have been more beneficial to him; it would have padded him pretty good.

I took Granny to the grocery store yesterday. It was such a crime that she had to pay $.62 for a rotten little head of cabbage and a can of cherry pie filling was almost $3. and it used to be way less than $1. I wonder if she remembers what minimum wage was back then.

I feel very bad from bronchitis and a sore throat, etc. I guess I'll call it quits for now.

Do something of value tomorrow!!

They've Changed Everything in my Absence

I thought I was doomed and out of the blogging business when everything was changed, but I just kept thinking, "I think I can, I think I can... and I really did. Good job, Mammy.

By the way, if Meg's mammy is reading, go to www.blogger.com/start and get you a blog. Just keep saying, "I think I can..." and you can get yourself all fixed up.

Well, if I had had only kept a spiral notebook handy and kept notes, I could have a great post. However, it has been too long for me to remember all of the funny things Steve Jones has said in his recent 3 hospital stays with his pain medication, etc. The laughs got me through the long days because you know that laughing is good medicine. He seems to be doing a good bit better.

He has resigned his metro church and maybe God will call us to a little loving and sane church. The resignation has taken much of my blog material. Steve is wanting to start doing supply work, instead of pastoring, and maybe that will lend itself to good writing material.

I have been very touched with the reports that I have been missed. I will try to do better now that I have to check on my daughter on the computer.

Angela indeed has a boyfriend. She has fallen pretty hard I think. And he is already splattered all over the ground. He seems very cwazy about her. Susan seems to think it is all just howwible, but I think it is probably a pretty good thing. Granny thinks it is wonderful. Actually I guess she thinks it is even better than the "four big hunks" she managed to get out on January 5-6, 2006. She was very proud of that accomplishment.

Granny bought herself a Christmas present - a battery operated scanner so "we can take it with us when we go somewhere." I know where I will be going - crazy! I hate scanners, especially all of that beeping noise, etc. I am to take her to get her blood checked this week, so I'm sure I will have an update on that soon.

I took Josh and Angela out to eat today. When we started to leave and they were scooting across the booth, Josh ended up flat on his butt. He hopped up super fast. When I commented on how fast he got up, he said he should have hopped up much faster - instantly - because of his Karate training. He is a Chuck Norris, Jr. mixed with Monk mixed with a very sweet boy, excuse me, he calls himself a man. I like him and it would be fine if he were my son-in-law someday. In some ways the two of them are very compatable, but their views are pretty opposite on many issues. Angela is very "postmodern"(I'm on top of things) compared to his ideas. I think their only hope would be to agree to disagree.

I have enjoyed Susan being home for the last ten weeks. She has some really At/100 friends that I have enjoyed hearing a few stories about (not too many - you know how you have to pick things out of her sometimes). I enjoyed spending some time with Meg and SES, but I'm sure it was so much more fun for them to spend quality time with The Mammy. (Has anyone got any information that I could read on the astronaut Lance Armstrong?)

Well, I have shot the bull long enough, I need to get back into the real world of dirty clothes and laundry.

I got an e-mail from Purity (for those of you who do not know her, she is a friend Susan met in Burma.) She needs $1,500 this week for her tuition. Please pray that God will provide it for her.

I love all of you and hope that you all accomplish many things of value in 2007!